Well, what do you expect, when you have the ballast of
an elephant?" Saffron said.
"Well darling, it's this Bulgarian bulk of mine. I'm
a LaCroix billboard. LaCroix, sweetie," said Edina.
"Really mum, all you have to do is take a bit of exercise,
and eat less."
"Darling, if it were that easy, then everyone would be doing
it. I mean, I've always been one stone over weight."
"One, sweetie. I have a perfect hour glass figure.
I just have too much sand in the glass, darling."
Saffron merely snickered.
"Oh, it's true. My dungarees fit me more like leggings,
darling. Imperfect, sweetie. Maybe I just need to go
shopping again; buy some clothes two sizes too small. The
last time I fit into anything in my closet, I voted liberal."
"It's all of that cobbler you eat. It can't be healthy.
And no, you can't just put a hose up your bum and flush it
"I can darling. A colonic projectile, sweetie."
Saffie smerked and gathered her books from the kitchen table.
"I'm going upstairs. I can't study around you when
you're like this."
"Stud... Study, is it? What are you studying
"I'm in University mum. You know, the place you pay
thousands of pounds to send me."
"Oh. If I knew I could pay you to leave home and get
a job, I'd have done it years ago."
"I'll be upstairs," said Saffron.
At that moment, Patsy entered and passed Saffron on the stairs.
"Still dressing like the Incas, I see. Maybe they'd
take you as a missionary," said Patsy.
"I heard they were short of female prostitutes, perhaps
that is something you qualify for."
"Listen you little gunk..."
"Pats. Come away, come away from the University-educated
hump, darling. Come and tell me if I need liposuction."
"No, you just need some of those pills. Don't worry,
I'll call my doctor, he'll give me anything."
"So where were you last night, darling?"
"Oh, just out with some busboy. He was an octopus,
Eddie. I barely had the strength to go through with it...twice.
He had no need of erectile assistance, if you know what I
mean," said Patsy as she winked and did a quick bump and grind.
"Oh darling, can we please get back to me? Now. I
want to know what to do about my weight. I suppose I could
get a breast reduction."
"Pats, now I'm serious, darling. I could diet, but
that never seems to work for me," said Edina as she flipped
"Oh Eddie, why put yourself through that. I mean,
if you wanted pain and torture you could've stayed married to Marshall."
"Huh, huh, you're right. You know darling, most of
the time we were married, I had to pantomime the sex. It always
seemed to be over before I was in the room anyway."
"Oh Eddie, it wasn't your fault. You didn't know he
"Yes, but the first time he had sex with a man should've
been my first clue, Pats. What a wasted nine years. But,
I guess I did have two angels out of it."
Patsy snickered. "You mean that human lesbian reject?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Oh darling, I have, sort of,
you know, loved her at times," Edina said, sheepishly.
"Don't worry, babe, I'll keep your secret. Where are
we going for lunch?"
"How about Kashagi's? But wait, I've got to powder
my nose; I look like a Rudolph LaCroix."
Edina quickly went to the restroom to powder her nose, then returned
with white powder on it. Patsy didn't seem to notice, for
she also had powder on her nose.
"You know, Pats, I was just thinking. If someone decided
to write a book about us, they'd have the perfect title."
"What's that sweetie?"
"The Prostitute and the Porpoise."
Both women laughed hysterically, and as they walked up the stairs
to go outside, Edina phoned her valet for her car.